and I kick puppies, too / by laurel

Here we have an example of a normal conversation (quote, unquote):

Coworker X sends me a link on Craig's List about a cat up for adoption.

I am not the biggest fan of cats. I reply, "If I liked cats..."

Situation A: Coworker responds with something like, "Oh, I forgot, you are a dog person. Well, in case you were interested." To which I'd probably say something like, "Thanks for the offer." And resume working.

Now we have Situation B. I'll let you guess which one actually happened.

Me: "If I liked cats..."

Him: You are a stern human being, you are.

Me: Wow, not much else to say to that.

Him: How can you not be an animal person? That's just sad.

Me: If you didn't look so pathetically congested I'd be tempted to say, "what? What? WHAT?" I'm an animal person. I'm not a cat person. There is a difference. But okay, if you want to go there with the entire animal kingdom, be my guest.

Him: You don't love animals. Cats are animals.

Pause.

Him: I'm also a plant person, too. I'm not so much an archaea kingdom lover, but everything else I'm okay with.

Me: Wow. You are a peculiar specimen, you know that?

Him: I'm peculiar? You go to Disneyland on a week day. I'm just saying.

Me: You asserted your love of animals but felt the need to qualify that love with the exception of the archaea kingdom.

Him: I want to be specific when possible.

Me: Right. And I want to be specific. I love animals. Except cats.

Him: It's splitting hairs at this point. I apologize for my candor and type-a personality.

Me: Apology accepted. You should give that cat a home.

Him: I don't like cats.

Me: You don't like animals.


And there you have it.