You know what? This is a story about Las Vegas (and, in fact, my very first visit to such a place), so I'm going to adopt the affectations of a certain character to tell the rest of my story. I mean, that's what parents do with their kids, right? I can still remember my dad reading Berenstain Bears books to Jody and I and replacing all the "Brother Bear" and "Sister Bear" characters with our names. So pull up a carpet square, children. Mum's going to tell you a little story about a magical place called Las Vegas, Nevada.
"You Win This Round, Ho: A Las Vegas Story." By Laurel Dailey
OH EM GEE, you guys. So my best girlfriends and I were like, "We're SICK of men! Men are soooo stupid and soooo retarded. We need to just, like, get AWAY from it all." You know? And WeHo just isn't far enough this time so where else should we go to lose our inhibitions and really ENJOY life, right? Vegas! I KNOW, RIGHT? Wooooo! SRSLY, guys, I'm going to get sooooo drunk. Like crazy Britney-drunk. I'm gonna get one of those margaritas that they serve in those huge Eiffel Tower cups. No. I'm going to get TWO of them. Because I DESERVE IT.
So, me and my best betches got dressed up because hel-lo, EVERY girl likes to get dressed up. It's like the most fun thing about being a girl, next to a lower tolerance for alcohol and a proclivity for mini skirts. ANYhoo, we got to The Strip and I was like, "Betches, let's PARTY! WHOOOO! VEGAS! YEAH!" And my betches were like, "YEAH! LET'S GET DRUNK! AND PARTY! AND WOOOOO!" And I was like, "Gurls, that's what I just said, OMG, you're SO drunk right now." And betch #1 was like, "This pinot grigio is so strong!" and I was like, "Betch, please. That's not pinot grigio, that's tequila."
So okay, guys, I'm totally being confessional here, but: I would LOVE to be a Las Vegas burlesque-type girl. I mean, not a stripper. Ew. That's so trashy and I am so not trashy. I'm like...classy. Yes. I'm completely classy 100% of the time because I am not a girl, I'm a WOMAN. And I can totally rock this satin tunic as a dress and you're going to LOVE IT. Aaaanyway, I mean, okay so like I think I could really be good at something really classy, like a burlesque type thingy. I mean it's not like Jenna Jameson, you know? It's more like Katy Perry. OMG, I LOVE THAT SONG.
Speaking of, I TOTES need to reapply my chapstick.
So we thought it would be really funny to keep a tally of all the hott guys who hit on us while we were strutting our stuff, and you guys, I'm not even kidding, we were such a HIT. Like, we got hit on at least 13 times. I decided I need to get like, a gold plated necklace with a lucky number "13" on it, and I can wear it every day and remind myself of how fierce I am, like on days when I'm totally PMSing and life is like, TOTALLY whack and I'm like, Ugh, what is UP with my cellulite count right now and I'm so not as cute as my girlfriends and I'm going to be a spinster forever. Because I will NOT be a crazy cat lady, you guys, I will NOT. I swear. Because I'm gonna be one of those really cute old ladies who still drink cosmopolitans and wear Lilly Pulitzer and go out with their old lady girlfriends and, arthritis or not, I will STILL WEAR HEELS. Always. And forever. OMG, I'm SOOOO drunk. I need another cosmo, like right NOW.
So okay, we walked around The Strip and were like, "Hi, boyz, we're so much cuter than you and your ho's, so DRINK IT IN." Speaking of, wow, I could TOTALLY go for something really hard right now, like a margarita. So like, we went into the Paris hotel (not like Paris Hilton. Ugh. I HATE her. She gives pretty girls such a bad NAME. We aren't all that stupid and slutty. Just Paris and her ho-bag friends. HATE them), and guys, I'm not kidding, it was JUST like being in Paris! I mean I've never been, but I've always wanted to go, and like, get proposed to on top of the Eiffel Tower. Wouldn't that be fab? It so would. I'd totally say yes, I think.
So, okay, confession: I totally can't find my skirt right now. I mean, I know Sienna Miller totally was a fashion maverick when she just wore tights out on the town, so I'm feeling pretty fashionable still, but seriously, guys. Where is my skirt?