Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed Near Children Or Many Pets (Except For Dogs) / by LD

My friends Carlos & Elizabeth just (as in, June-ish) had their first baby, a wee little gent named Zion. I hung out with Zion at church on Sunday and let me tell you: the kid was FASCINATED by my various charms. Actually, he couldn't tear his eyes away from all the jewelry and sparkly accessories I was wearing (it's church. You dress up, of course), so I guess when I say I was charming, I'm just being punny. And awesome.

Despite the fact that Zion and I totally bonded over our shared love of shiny things and aviator sunglasses, when Tyler jokingly suggested I babysit sometime, I immediately deferred. Babysitting + Laurel Dailey = Impending Doom (For Both Child And Caretaker). Undeterred, Carlos suggested it recently and I think you'll be able to see why no one should entrust me with the care of their child, pet, or houseplant: