An Open Dialogue With My Apathetic Cold Virus / by LD


LD: So...you've been hanging around this week, any major plans I should know about?

Apathetic Cold Virus: Eh...

LD: No, seriously. What's with you? You've been half-assing it up like it's your job, but you're acting like you're super disgruntled with your job, so - are you jonesing for a layoff? Because I could hop on the EmergenC wagon any second, you know.

ACV: Right, but like...it's so hot out. I could smite you with a massive sinus headache. I could fester in your lungs and afflict you with the most lung-shredding whooping cough you've ever had. Heck, I COULD even flick the switches of hot-cold-hot fever like it's Studio 54, but...I dunno...

LD: ...It's just so hot, right? 

ACV: [sighs] Right. 

LD: I mean, I saw what you did you Adam and Bonnie in New York, you know. I notice those things. 

ACV: That was a nice time. But the weather was so much more autumnal! EVERYTHING in New York really is better.

LD: Now listen, don't start in on that tangent. I can handle an apathetic cold, but not a judgmental one. 

ACV: Right. Sorry. Just wishing for greener grass, I guess. In the meantime, how's some post-nasal drip? Are we copacetic with that? 

LD: I suppose so. Let me grab my roll of TP. [sighs]